Marrying Well: The Broken Man Syndrome

DISCLAIMER: After much consideration and deliberation, I have decided to proceed in writing out yet another grievance in regards to singles within the confines of the church body. Though I cannot promise this will be the last, I can promise that the purpose is not to point fingers in complaint. Rather, it is to promote bridging the gap between genders and promote communication and brainstorming as to why such trends have occurred and how, together, we can encourage each other in getting back on course. That being said, this has nothing to do with any particular situation I'm in, but everything to do with the trend itself and how it effects inter-relational bonds among singles in the church. It is not my intention to begin nor will I partake in any political argument. The Subconscious Pull It's no secret that people tend to gravitate toward other people with the same interests. I still remember a sobering seminar I went to when I was younger. The speaker was dying from a terminal disease (Hepatitis) that he had contracted over the years of his rampant drug use and sexual escapades. There was a keynote in his speech that I considered especially thought provoking: If you have a room filled with random people who have never done drugs before, and place in it two people (regardless of gender) who were users but don't know each other, they will undoubtedly slowly gravitate toward one another. Seemingly bypassing the 'clean' people in the room. Though the above is clearly just a theory, there are some truths to it. You see the same phenomena in every day life: women (plural) generally flock to the nearest MACYS, while their male counterparts (en masse) high tail it to the nearest Best Buy tentatively planning to rendezvous at the Food Court (another guy thing). (Pardon the French. :) ) Keep this in mind though, you will need it to understand the rest of the article. The "Good" Husband The 1950's in America was the Golden Age. Everything flourished in the post-war economy. The marriage rate was at it's highest and divorce rate at it's lowest. Families were growing so fast that there was a housing shortage. Sears & Roebuck were selling houses faster than they could be built. The G.I. Bill made sure that colleges saw an influx of young men entering the realm of higher education. In any given group of people, if you weren't a protestant, you were probably in the minority. Likewise, if you were an idle young man, you were held in contempt by your peers and female counterparts. These young men, part of the "greatest generation", had arrived home as war heroes. They had defeated Nazism, Fascism, and Imperialism and restored security in a free world. These men had humble beginnings, though. Many suffered starvation and poverty during a great world depression and epic drought in the American mid-west (which provided bread and other foodstuffs to countries throughout the world). Now, they had seen countless atrocities and what one human was capable of doing to another. As I overhead my uncle say to someone: "I've seen more blood than you will see in your entire life". Nevertheless, many men came home and traded in their uniforms for their Sunday morning shirt and tie hoping for a life of peace and prosperity. They knew what it was like to live without. They knew what it was like to experience death and inescapable fear. They knew they needed to count their blessings. Of course, some cheated and did other terrible things, generally they knew they had to sacrifice for their committed marriage and make good husbands. (That being said, many also had socio-psychological issues later in life, but that's a different topic). They didn't dare embarrass their family in front of their church or community. Fast forward to contemporary America and consider the young men in our broken society. Very few choose to take responsibility for their actions. This is usually because their parents failed to hold them accountable when they were younger. Indeed even their parents failed to hold them accountable for their actions. This laziness has been degrading the protestant work ethic and promoted entitlement for generations. (Obviously the same applies to young woman, but for the sake of the article we're focusing on men). Yes, in this recession there is a lot of poverty and suffering going on. However, one way or another some men still tend to get what they want without working very hard (or living in government housing on government checks and food stamps). Whether it's a pack of cigarettes, lotto tickets, alcohol, voyeurism (strip club) or any other vice. It's much easier to support yourself and your desires than to sacrifice for others. How sad and selfish! Ladies it is imperative to understand that until a man can grasp what it means to live "without", continually honors his commitments and takes responsibility for himself and his actions while simultaneously maintaining his relationship with Christ, he will not graduate to manhood. Taking responsibility is not easy, and usually it happens forcefully, not willingly. It usually requires one to rise to the occasion and sacrifice in order to provide for [whoever it may be] regardless of age. However, this is no reason for leniency. It is merely the making of a man. In fact, leniency can be debilitating and emasculating in some cases. Broken Man Syndrome It is important, however, that we not confused leniency with kindness and courtesy. After all, there is a stark difference between saying 'no' to someone and simply walking away leaving them wondering. Kindness and respect should be a goal all Christians strive for, regardless of gender. I (and other men in the church) have witnessed an increasingly popular trend. It goes something like this: young boys get raised up in a church. They make it through elementary school and maybe middle school. Then by high school young men are seemingly gone from the equation. If these boys do return to church, it usually isn't until they are in their mid-late 20's, and they bring a lot baggage with them. Nevertheless, they have returned and proclaimed their life has been miraculously restored by God. Then it begins, regardless of what they've done or where they have been, the young single woman (who openly complain about the lack of viable men in their congregation) seemingly swoon. Then soon after he arrives, he begins dating the nicest girl in the church. This, of course, leaves the men who remained in the church when they were younger scratching their heads. There are obviously countless variables for this. However, I have some theories: The Excitement Factor- Women like meeting new people and hearing stories. I think this is especially true in smaller congregations. I'm sure it's very exciting to meet a new man and hear of his experiences. Maybe this is some sort of Christian version of Bad Boy Syndrome? ...Or will many simply claim that women are simply attracted to the testosterone and confidence of that particular man. The Brokenness Factor- This goes back to the first segment of the article. I think it is possible some women gravitate toward men who share a mutual past. (Similar to the poor father/poor husband theory). Just because a man has not walked away from his faith at some point does not mean his faith has not been tested. Living as the world lives for a few years should not be a requirement for marriage. The Competition Factor- Many woman vs. one new guy. This is self explanatory. The Fix-it-Up Factor- OK, this one is widely speculated amongst Christian men. Basically, women like ,no, love a man they feel they can change. Especially if it has to do with changing mannerisms, etiquette or a general change of heart. Again, Bad Boy Syndrome? The Appearance Factor- Ever notice how men who live in the world tend to physically look strapping, well built and well groomed? Of course you have! It's no secret men in the church aren't as appealing, whether it's because they are not a quarter-back or it's because they are balding. By the way, in ancient Greece it was said that bald men were the wisest. (An adage I still believe is true!) At any rate, ladies, the Homer (minus the blindness) that greets you at the door as you walk in every Sunday is probably just as much of a man than the new guy (a basketball player) who sits behind you during the service. In summation, I think it is very important that whoever reads this takes into consideration that this is not a rant against woman in the church, but a caution and advisement. That is to say, these are words of love- not spitefulness. Ladies, the next time you are feeling irritated about singleness and the thinning crowd of young men in your congregation, think twice about the men that are in your congregation. Sure, they may need some maturing (maybe even a light slam across the face to wake them up). Regardless, I implore you to think deeply about what it takes to be a man and what you can do you encourage them. If the men in your church are still not doing the asking, call on the church matrons and ask them what you can do to drop hints. Hints are OK, but don't do any asking. After all, you don't want to be too lenient!  Nevertheless, it is important to recall that we have a just God and His mercy extends as far as the East is from the West. He is able to do anything He pleases. It is He who walks and teaches among the "lowly" in society and picks them up and it is only He who has the ability to change and mold the hearts of men. That being said, He is able to save even the most vile, evil and lost of mankind, and when He does, no matter the circumstances, it is most certainly cause for celebration and thanksgiving. Peace be with you all.